Knowledge is Power...NOT

As the pregnancy progressed and it became frighteningly clear that Colt and I really were going to be responsible for a little person, we decided to sign up for a new parents class. It was a four-week course, which met on Saturdays and would cover labor and birth, breastfeeding, and newborn care. We were both looking forward to learning about what to expect. Testimonials on the group's website included things like, "this class totally put my anxieties to rest," and "my labor and delivery went so smoothly and I know it's because of what I learned in class," etc. Of course, I thought "sign me up!!!" I was also excited for Colt to learn about newborn care. I have ZERO evidence to back this up, but: I was convinced that Colt knew nothing about babies and would possibly cause serious harm if left alone with the baby. This was a real concern for me considering I'll be returning to school shortly after giving birth and Colt will be left alone with baby for several hours 3 nights a week. 

This rarely happens, but it turns out I was wrong. Colt handled the class like a champ, was actively involved with the discussions, asked questions, etc. (He only embarrassed me once when responding to a question about how to naturally induce labor by eagerly yelling out, "sex!!")  I, on the other hand, repeatedly glanced at my watch, cringed and looked the other way during birthing videos and swallowed my own vomit when the class instructor brought out a stuffed placenta (think stuffed animal, not stuffed pork chop). For reasons unknown to me, she insisted on swinging the bluish purple prop, complete with umbilical cord and netting ("baby's home!"), in our faces while taking a little baby doll, folding it in half and shoving it in the netting and pulling it out....over and over again.

Somehow I managed to remain seated and keep my mouth shut through this torture...right up until this same overly-cheerful instructor went to pull out the vacuum and forceps (described as "huge salad tongs!"). I was mid-leap out of my chair and heading out the back door of the classroom when Colt grabbed my leg and forced me back into my seat. Apparently the others noticed and decided they could wait until the end to see the tools, that might not EVER be used, outside of my presence.

I guess that's my problem. Why tell/show me something horrifying that might not EVER happen?!? I'd much rather just know the basics and deal with the other stuff if and when it comes up. Of the 10 people in the room, I was apparently the only one who felt this way. Curiously, the others encouraged the process by asking asinine questions. There was one woman in the class who I'll call Nelly. Nervous Nelly. My goodness, she made my blood pressure roar. Just looking at her stressed me out. She always had this awful look of absolute panic on her face.

We had a lighthearted conversation going on the first day about the four most common fears of labor and delivery: peeing, pooping, puking, and pain. Everyone was laughing and joking about how poop means progress (you're using the right muscles to push!) and there was Nelly with that awful look of panic streaked across her face - see above. The class instructor noticed and thought she must be really horrified by the thought of pooping on the delivery table. Just as she was about to address those concerns, Nelly shrieked, "Those aren't my fears!! I'm afraid of giving birth to a STILLBORN!" Talk about taking the life out of a party. Each class featured some manifesto like this from Nelly. Our personal favorite came during the last class when the instructor was quizzing us on natural ways to induce labor - see Colt's "sex!" comment above - and nipple stimulation was mentioned. Nelly slowly raised her hand and looked around the room with the look on her face before sheepishly asking, "what exactly do you mean by nipple stimulation?" Complete silence fell over the room. Colt and I looked at each other and simultaneously mouthed, "how the hell did she get pregnant?!?" I would love to be a fly on the wall when she gives birth...well, not really. But I'd love to hear about it later, from the perspective of the labor and delivery nurses. Ha.

While Nelly was slowly coming to grips and I was using every ounce of will power to stay in attendance, Colt was learning a myriad of new things. The guy who a year ago wasn't so sure he wanted a kid, who didn't know the first thing about pregnant women, learned from our very cheerful and overly informative instructor that he could "catch" the baby. We had previously agreed that he would stay up at my head throughout the entire process. He had no desire in seeing anything below the belly and I certainly had no interest in him being down there. In fact, his BFF - a father of 3 - specifically told him, "Do not look. You will never look at your wife the same way again." Nonetheless, Colt learns he can play an active role and is now ready to suit up. 

The above diagram was drawn by the Artist Guy, Todd Schaefer. 

Check out www.theartistguy.com to see more of his work, none of which is as disturbing as this.

I'm trying not to stress about this, hoping that he'll pass out long before baby makes her grand entrance. But I have been wrong once before... People keep telling me I just won't care in the moment - that I'll be naked and screaming and won't give a hoot who's in the room, above or below the belly - but I wonder how well these people think they know me... Only time will tell. 

I have 11 days until my due date. I was in labor and delivery, hooked up to fetal monitors for 4 hours today, due to high blood pressure. I will now go in twice a week for monitoring. If my blood pressure spikes again, we will talk about inducing.

Do these cankles make me look fat?

This is the story of our pregnancy. From the shocking moment we found out to the present day - less than one month before the rapidly approaching due date.

It comes as a surprise to many people that this pregnancy wasn't planned. Yes, we are nearing our 30's. Yes, we both have good jobs. Yes, we own a home. Yes, we've been married for a few years. However, we had plans. And they didn't include a baby anytime soon. Don't get me wrong. I wanted a baby...or two. But not yet! And I wasn't really committed to having my own baby. The thought of being pregnant freaked me out (and still does) and labor and delivery? OMG, no thanks. As for Colt... well, let's just say he really wasn't ready for a baby.

It all started back in February. I was in the middle of a looooong trial in Pierce County. A stomach bug had been going around and I cursed my pathetic immune system as I began to feel like I was "coming down with something." I was tired and queasy, and as usual, too busy to be sick. Ha. If only I knew what I was really in for...

So it was Super Bowl weekend and we were having some friends over to watch the game on Sunday. But first, I had to dutifully report to my Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday. I went, I weighed in, I lost 3 pounds(!), I sat through the support meeting and I left. I was about half way home when my mouth filled with really sour saliva. WTH, I thought? Not quite sure what was happening, I quickly swerved into the nearest parking lot, threw my car into park, flung the door open, and vomited all over the nicely manicured median in the JoAnn's parking lot. Embarrassed, disgusted, and baffled (prior to pregnancy, I had an average vomit score of once every ten years - it's just not something I handle well), I got back in my car and quickly drove home. I went straight to bed and barely moved the rest of the day.

On Sunday, I was feeling marginally better. I considered canceling on our friends, but didn't want to ruin it for everybody else so I made some snacks and a pitcher of beer-ritas. I should have known something was up when I didn't self-medicate with the free flowing tequila, but it just sounded....GROSS. So I didn't drink anything, I barely ate anything and I disappeared more than once to be sick in the upstairs bathroom.

Come Monday morning, I was back in trial, sitting in the back of the courtroom trying to make it to the next break before running to the nearest bathroom. Much to the judge's dismay (picture Judge Judy - if only she knew my dilemma!), I was never able to make it to the next break. I jumped and ran from the courtroom as if somebody had just pulled the fire alarm...numerous times, each time running past witnesses who wanted to know, "how's it going in there?" "how much longer till I testify?" "what kind of questions is the defense attorney asking?" "can I talk to the prosecutor one more time before I testify?" etc. If I paused and opened my mouth to answer their questions... well that just wouldn't have been very professional. So instead, I ran past them as if on an urgent mission to find a missing witness. Then, I'd return a few minutes later, walking at a normal pace, without the missing witness, my hand no longer covering my mouth...and I'd calmly address each of their concerns. They must have thought I was CRAZY!

After another day of this bizarre behavior, I decided to just pee on a damn stick. I KNEW I wasn't pregnant, but Colt kept telling me to "just do it."  So I did. To get him to shut up. I went upstairs and I peed on the stick. I swear those two pink lines started glowing before I was even done. Wait 3-5 minutes, my ass. Like one of the lines was going to disappear? So with the little stick that would FOREVER change our lives in my hand, I walked back down stairs. I thought he would be anxiously awaiting the results, but he was on the phone. It was our friend Gina's birthday, and he had called to wish her a happy one. If you know Colt, you know he can talk for days. So I waited patiently; a near impossible task for me. I thought about putting the stick down on the counter in front of him...standing in his line of vision and awkwardly rubbing my belly...or finding a rerun of "A Baby Story" on TLC to blare in the background. Unfortunately, I was in too much shock myself. So I just sat down on the couch and watched him talk. And talk. And talk. Geez Pete, can he talk. When he FINALLY hung up, he turned to me and said, "hey babe - why don't you go pee on the stick?" Um, hello?!?! It then went like this:

Me: "Um, I did."
Him: "And?"
Me: "And I'm pregnant."
Him: "Huh uh."
Me: "Uh huh."
Him: "Huh uh."
Me: [with a little bit of irritation in my voice] "Uh huh."
Him: "Are you serious?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "Seriously?"
Me: "YES! SERIOUSLY, I'M SERIOUSLY PREGNANT."

Then the shock set in. We both sat there wondering... how? when? what now? how? While he was probably wondering how our lives were going to change with a baby, I was wondering how I was going to have a baby during my last semester of law school, while working full time and still graduate, take the bar, get a job, etc. (I'm actually still trying to figure that part out.) To say we were in over our heads is an over statement. Fortunately, he snapped out of it pretty quickly and adopted the motto: "It is what it is. We'll make it work." For me, it took a lot longer. Maybe it was the nausea, or the fatigue, or the incredibly sore milk makers, but I just couldn't wrap my head around how we were going to be responsible for a little person in 9 short months.

The first trimester passed pretty quickly, thank goodness! Those sea-bands were miracle workers, but they certainly weren't fashionable. Ginger gum is awful and I sucked on so much hard candy, it's amazing I have any teeth left. We couldn't go to restaurants for fear of me barfing the minute I walked in and got a smell of whatever was cooking in the kitchen. Always smelled like some kind of roadkill to me. I wanted to harm anybody at work who cooked oatmeal in the morning or popcorn for an afternoon snack. Worst of all, I wanted to harm the jackass who invented the brassiere, thereby forcing me to squish my tender ladies into a torture contraption each and every morning.

The second trimester was bliss. I often forgot I was pregnant and just thought everyone was so nice, always asking how I was doing. I didn't pick up any weird cravings, have uncontrollable crying spells, or gain a ton of weight. I just went about my daily schedule - commute to Seattle, work, school, commute home, repeat - and started to plan for the little person. I received three copies of the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting." Always big on reading and learning, I cracked open a copy and dove in. In less than 7 seconds, I was horrified. I slammed the book shut and tossed it on to the coffee table. I'm a firm believer in knowledge is power; HOWEVER, there are some things you just don't need to know. Especially when it comes to things that might [or might not!] happen to your body.

Since it was too overwhelming for me to think or talk about the logistics of getting the baby out of my body, I turned to more important things. What should we name him/her? How should we decorate the nursery? Picking out a name was actually pretty easy. We each vetoed one name the other person picked out and then settled on the winners pretty quickly. I wanted Paisley Jade for a girl; he hated it. He wanted Elijah for a boy; I didn't hate it (and actually like Eli) but thought it would be a bit too biblical paired with the middle name that we had long-ago agreed upon - Paul, after his grandfather. Plus, he so viciously vetoed my first choice that I couldn't just succumb to him! So Addison Grace for a girl; Ethan Paul for a boy. Done. Picking out the nursery was pretty easy too. We both love Charlie Brown, so we thought it would be fun to follow that theme for a boy. A girl nursery was a little bit more difficult to imagine, but I knew I wanted the focus to be a tree of some sort. Fast forward: we found out in early June (after an unsuccessful attempt in late May) that we'd be having a little girl. Still only half-baked, Addison Grace became the center of our world. And she has a pretty cool nursery to come home to. :)

The euphoric second trimester was gone as quickly as it came. In it's place was heartburn, cankles, unsightly waddling, and sheer exhaustion coupled with inexplicable insomnia. I puffed up like Eddie Murphy in the Nutty Professor, and eating anything more solidified than a smoothie left me feeling like I had run a marathon. Addison was sending her message loud and clear: "I am in charge now, Mom." I am 3 weeks and 3 days from my due date, and I'm beginning to think I might not make it. Addy has dropped, making my gait mimic that of a hippo-penguin. And every time I stand up - a major feat these days - I'm tempted to reach down and check to make sure she didn't fall out. (I know you been-there-done-that-moms are thinking "if only it were that easy!") Let me dream, please. I'm still coping with the concept of labor and delivery. Despite my mom's persistent affirmation that birth is "a beautiful thing," I'm just not buying it. It truly seems archaic. It's 2011 and this is the best the medical community has come up with? Yikes.

To be continued...

My Bucket List

In no particular order, and changing on a daily basis, here is a list of some things I want to do before I die.

• Provide a foster home for needy dogs.
• Be a roller derby girl.
• Skydive.
• Go on an African Safari.
• Write a cookbook.
• Get Lasik.
• Learn to ballroom dance.
• Make a substantial difference for underprivileged children.
• Learn a few languages.
• Own a business - either a dog boutique or salon and day spa.
• Learn to snowboard or ski.
• Participate in a marathon. 
• Learn to play the guitar.
• Take voice lessons.
• Own a beach house.
• Learn to sew.
• See a live taping of the Ellen show.

To be continued...

100 Things

Totally stole this from Allison. Thought it would be a good way to get this blog thing started. And really, what else do I have to do? Sleep? Ha! Don't be ridiculous.

1. I'm married to Colt.
2. Our four year anniversary is in 5 days.
3. We picked the date, 09.08.07, so that it would be easy for HIM to remember.
4. The date has probably saved my butt more than it has his.
5. I met Colt when I was only 13 years old!
6. We met in Oklahoma.
7. We have two dachshunds, Luke and Wilbur, who pretty much rule our lives.
8. Luke and Wilbur have a rude awakening coming in about 6 weeks.
9. We are pregnant with our first baby, Addison Grace, due on October 15.
10. We are anxious about how Luke and Wilbur will react to Addison.
11. Our pregnancy was not planned, but we are excited anyway.
12. I'm horrified of giving birth.
13. I have been pretty lucky with a normal pregnancy.
14. We have been attending a birthing class (my idea).
15. I have hated almost every moment of the birthing class, while Colt seems to thoroughly enjoy it.
16. Colt learned he can catch the baby and now thinks he wants to do this.
17. I do not understand why anyone, including the doctor, would want to catch the baby.
18. I do not share my mom's belief that labor and birth is "a beautiful thing."
19. Maybe I will change my mind.
20. I do not like hospitals.
21. I do not want to stay the night in the hospital.
22. Even though I hate hospitals, a home birth is not an option for me.
23. I am claustrophobic.
24. I do not like my neck to be touched.
25. Because it might lead to strangulation.
26. I hate mornings.
27. I hate bugs. Especially spiders.
28. If I talk about my fear of spiders, I have nightmares.
29. If someone else tells a spider story, I have nightmares.
30. I will probably have a nightmare tonight.
31. Colt hates it when I have spider nightmares. He does not understand my fear.
32. I have a thing for bald men. Not balding, but bald.
33. I am in love with Vin Diesel.
34. Colt knows I am in love with Vin and will actually point him out for me when he's on TV, in a movie, etc.
35. Most of the guys I dated before Colt were bald.
36. Colt has a full head of hair and refuses to go bald.
37. But I love him anyway.
38. I also love Tim McGraw, but only when he has his hat on.
39. Tim's music has an instant calming effect on me.
40. I have seen Tim in concert 9 times.
41. I was supposed to see him in concert for the 10th time in June 2008.
42. I couldn't go to the concert b/c law school started that night.
43. I am in my last semester of law school.
44. Since starting law school in 2008, I have worked full time and gone to school 4 nights a week.
45. I spend most of my weekends reading and studying for law school.
46. I have missed out on a lot of activities with friends and family because of law school.
47. I am really looking forward to having my life back.
48. Even though I graduate in December, I don't get my life back until March.
49. I will take the Washington state bar in February 2012.
50. I am really nervous about the bar.
51. I don't want to take it more than once.
52. I will be studying for and taking the bar exam while caring for and nursing an infant.
53. Breastfeeding is important to me, but I'm worried it will be difficult to maintain with my schedule.
54. I love to read.
55. I love my Kindle.
56. I think everyone should have a Kindle.
57. I love the Kindle app on my iPhone.
58. I think everyone should have an iPhone.
59. I love beaches and the ocean.
60. I love that Colt also loves beaches and the ocean.
61. I hate camping.
62. Colt hates that I hate camping.
63. He is trying to convince me to buy a camper.
64. I prefer hotels, nice cozy cottages in the mountains or beautiful cabins on the beach.
65. I don't like tents (hence the camper idea).
66. I don't like sleeping bags.
67. I like to be able to shower regularly. And brush my teeth.
68. As previously mentioned, I don't like bugs. Or spiders.
69. I want to try camping for Colt's benefit, but I'm afraid it is going to be an epic disaster.
70. I moved a lot growing up.
71. I moved to Washington after high school to be closer to Colt.
72. I have now lived in Washington longer than I ever lived anywhere else.
73. I moved here (by plane) on September 9, 2001.
74. That was two days before 9-11.
75. I love Washington and don't ever plan on leaving.
76. I hate being so far from my family.
77. I wish they would all move out here.
78. I also hate being so far from my BFF Lindsey.
79. She lives in Colorado.
80. We met in 8th grade and maintained contact even after both of our families moved out of state.
81. We were both the maid of honor in each others weddings.
82. I was incredibly drunk at her wedding and don't remember anything I said during my toast.
83. This still makes me nervous because I had the HUGEST crush on her brother (who was bald by the way) all throughout high school.
84. During her toast at my wedding, Lindsey told a story about how we ran from the cops in high school.
85. Many of the people in attendance at my wedding were in the field of law enforcement.
86. My other BFF is Shauna.
87. She is amazing and I'm so glad she lives close by.
88. We met in college while working for the Thunderword newspaper.
89. I remember she had a major crush on this photographer named Chuck.
90. Chuck and Shauna are now married.
91. They were both in our wedding and we were both in their wedding.
92. Shauna and I often get involved in projects that turn out to be much larger and more involved than we anticipated.
93. Shauna just threw me the most amazing baby shower.
94. I have two sisters.
95. I am the youngest.
96. I love Leavenworth, WA.
97. I really miss wine and sushi.
98. I am exhausted, but suffer from pregnancy insomnia.
99. I can't wash dishes because I don't like for my hands to be wet.
100. I am afraid of the dark.

What have I gotten myself into?

Those of you who know anything about me know I have very little free time. I work full time, go to law school "part time," just started an externship 8 hours a week, commute nearly 100 miles a day AND I'm 35 weeks pregnant. Not really sure how that happened. Well, I know how it happened, but you know what I mean... wasn't exactly part of the plan [more on that later]. Anyway, I really don't have time for a blog. Instead, I should be studying, reading, taking notes, working on the nursery, sleeping/resting, reading about how to be a parent, etc. But my friend Allison has a blog. And it's cool. So I wanted one. And I pretty much do what I want. Well that sounded bratty and not exactly how I intended it. I just mean that something as silly as not having enough time isn't going to stop me from doing something I want to do. It hasn't in the past, so why now? We'll see how this goes...