So it's 10 days until I get my bar results. I can't go anywhere or do anything without bumping in to somebody who eagerly wants to know how much longer. I know they only ask because they care. These are my friends, my coworkers, my family, my neighbors, etc. But I'm seriously dreading April 28. Not because I'm afraid of getting bad news, but because I'm going to dissapoint all of these people who have invested in me and are anxiously awaiting a big celebration marking the finality of my law-induced torture.
The cold hard truth: I honestly do not think I passed. I don't even see how it's possible. This isn't just a "expect the worst, hope for the best" mantra and I'm not being negative. I'm being realistic. I took a bar prep course and was told on the first night that in order to succeed I would need to invest 8 hours a day, 6 days a week. That didn't happen. That didn't even come close to happening. Between caring for a newborn and a husband who continued to work full time so that we could continue to pay our mortgage and fill our bellies, I was lucky to get 2-3 hours of studying in a day. And those inadequate hours were generally during the middle of the night while Addison was sleeping. I would study as soon as I got home from bar prep course until she woke up for her first feeding, between 1-2 am. Only then would I allow myself to go to bed. I was so exhausted that I'm sure those hours were a complete waste. I was reading and rereading the material but nothing was sticking.
A couple weeks before the bar exam I nearly had a complete breakdown. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically fatigued. One night while I was up studying I did a "worst case scenario" analysis. What if I don't pass? What if I don't even take the damn exam? When I realized the world would not come to an end, that life would go on as normal, I felt a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. I was so excited to tell Colt in the morning that I was over it. I know my stress was beginning to take a toll on him as well. He was supportive. So I looked in to pushing off the exam until July. Long story short, it didn't make any sense. I would be out the money and I had already taken the time off of work to study for and take the exam. So I decided to treat it as a "practice" and then take it again in July. Less pressure.
Then came the week of the exam. Even though I had decided not to stress about it, I was secretly praying for a miracle. The thought of having to retake it started to make me sick. I'm not going to rehash the entire 3 days, but each one got progressively worse. Afraid to be away from Addison for so long, I had her in the hotel with me. Colt was there too, but her colic, or whatever it was, was at its worst and no matter how much he tried to help, she only wanted mommy. So my plan to cram each night during the exam went down the drain. I stayed up most of the first night after she went down, but really paid for that the second day and fell asleep at the desk that night. I woke up in a panic at 1:30 am because I hadn't reviewed everything I wanted to. Admitting defeat, I crawled in to bed to catch a couple hours of sleep. Of course, Addison woke up twice for feedings, giving me maybe 2 hours of total sleep. I was in no shape to take the most important test of my life.
The first two days of the exam cover 18 areas of substantive law, some I took in law school and many that I did not. There are 9 essays each day and you must average a 70% overall. I know I did well on the criminal law, criminal procedure, evidence, torts, family law, and constitutional law questions. Unfortunately, I know I did not do enough on several others, like corporations, property, sales, contracts, etc. The third day is 6 essays on professional responsibility only. I'm not really sure how I did on that section. While I spotted numerous issues, I'm not very confident that my analysis was sufficient because I fell short of the character limit each time. My honest, realistic assessment is that I'm 99% sure I failed the substantive portion and 75% sure I failed the PR portion.
Before you start feeling sorry for me, or thinking how pathetic I am, know that I will get through this. Life will go on. I have a job (that I love, by the way) and an amazing baby girl that could really care less if I pass or fail. :) So please don't feel obliged to tell me how great you know I did, or how smart you know I am, or how there is no way I failed. Because it will only make it harder for me to tell you that I didn't pass. I do believe in miracles and I am hoping for one here. But, it would be silly of me to presume minimal studying and sheer exhaustion would lead to success. I know better than that and will have to come up with a better plan if/when I take the exam again.
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